What About Bob- Er, I Mean Lauren?

Bulimia (but ideally I'd be giving that up for life)

I broke up with my therapist. That guy was such a tool. Now I don't want a therapist anymore. I want to have a full blown relapse. I'm back to restriction during the day. Purging meals, and b/p-ing at night. Oh and I've turned to natural laxatives, milk of magnesia, prune juice, lax tea. Oh so fun *eye roll*

BUT I am dating this gorgeous, tall, blondie. So, that makes me happy :)


And school sucks as usual.


OH and I cut off all my hair... I'll post pics later.

According to my therapist I need to journal more. He thinks I don't talk about enough various things during our sessions. I told him it's because the issues I want to bring up escape my mind at the moment we are finally talk. (we meet once a week, if that.) So here I am.

Tonight I talked about my latest issue in the purgatorium http://community.livejournal.com/purgatorium/10992484.html. But I really don't think I would ever have the guts to bring that experience up in my hour meet-up. We don't talk about bulimic behaviors that often. I don't think he has ever asked me how much I do it, which about once a day during the week, and maybe three times a day on the weekends. We always just talk about my other issues, which seems to mainly be feelings about school/social anxiety.

Ok, so what else to talk about.
Well tonight I was told by my closest guy friend, (who is also the guy I was romantic with all summer ), that we would be talking later tonight, through AIM or emails. Then the even comes and goes, and no word from him at all. It's not that he should have any feeling of bligation about keeping a true to his word to talk to me. We are no longer in an exclusive relationship. It's just that tonight I was feeling lonely and triggered, and I could really use a friend who understands me. He is the one person who know pretty much everything about me, even my darkest secrets that make me very ashamed. And he still likes me regardless of any flaw I have. He sees the good in me, all the things I can't see, and makes me feel better.


You're fuckin' hot.
Physically, I'm more attracted to you than I have been to anyone else, by a lot.
I think you're absolutely gorgeous.
And you can't give me this crap about, oh, you haven't seen me in person yet, blah blah blah :P Cause I have.
Your pictures don't do you justice.
You're everything I expected, and more.
:)

And I'll also add that you're an amazing person.
You're smart, and kind and considerate towards me.
All you do is make me happy.
You're just incredible; being with you is all I want.


*Deep sigh*
That is the sort of "pep-talk" I could have used tonight.

Whilst I am having an amazingly pathetic Friday night watching youtube videos of the british show Supersize v Superskinny (justadustyrose has every episode), I started pondering how much I wish would journal more. Ideally I would make an entry everyday, but I would fail miserably at that. So today is my jump start.

How sad is it that my day off from school has consisted of 5 binge sessions, with therapy somewhere in between, trip to hell for more binge food, purging and lots of television and internet zombieness. I feel like such a sad excuse as a human being. No friends calling. No one. But, I'm not really all that lonely. I'm just numb.

My life is a complete mess right now. I am in a chaotic swell of procrastination. My room looks like a missile hit it. I must do something to organize it! It's driving me insane and it is just more more thing adding to my stress and unhealthy lifestyle.



Therapy-
I really dislike my therapist. This guy just rubs me the wrong way. Rich, white, middle-aged ah idk, I can't describe him very well. Well he thinks I have ADD. I did the basic test for it and yea, all of the questions really were true to me. So now the next step is getting my ass in a psychiatrist's office, which seems bloody impossible. GRRRR

We shall see...

looking back on when I was oh so thin, it makes me sad. I want to go back.

I have been thinking about how shallow I come off on this journal. It makes me sick. This eating disorder shit.


My hands are too shaky right now. My head is a mess.


I wish I could just smile again.

While my boyfriend was here I ate. And Iat and I ate and I ate and I ate.
Fuuuuuuuck.
I put on massive love pounds.
I didn't even know it was possible to put on that much weight in a month.
grrrrrr. 

 

God this is making me so anxious. I can't sleep. I put on fifteen pounds in 4 weeks. 

coffee.
I find first dates at coffe shops to be the most romantic thing ever. Talking for hours and not even realizing a minute go by. Just being completely engaged in the moment as you slowly fall for the person sitting across from you.

I know I'm supposed to be proud of myself, but not purging has just lead me to binging and keeping it in last Friday. But ever since then, everyday I feel like I'm getting fatter.
I know I over ate today.
I really want to b/p, but it's not even possible right now.
XD

dsxgcfhjblkm
Plus I don't want to.


dxfchyghibuik
BUT I DO WANT TO

Dear Lauren,
Fuck you fatty!
XOXO
L

Yesterday was a bad ED day. I didn't go jogging, which is my none bulimia outlet. It is my reason for eating healthy, keeping everything in, and not engaging.  So yesterday morning I got up early, strapped on my shoes, went out, but when I got out there I just didn't feel like jogging, so I went for an hour long walk. Even though I know that is still exercise, if I don't sweat, it doesn't count. So I beat myself up, telling myself that since I didn't exercise this morning, everything I eat today is going to make me gain weight.

I binged and purged twice.
The first one was me binging, and knowing I was B/P-ing from the start.
The second one was so dumb. I started out eating an apple. Just a snack, whatever. Then I got out grapes and started eating them, two by two (weird OCD thing).  But at some point, that trigger went off that said you've crossed the line, you've eaten too much. Fuck it, now you have to purge, so binge away. So I ate even more grapes, then another apple, then 2 bananas, then a 2 cup can of pineapples, then lots of peanut butter and ritz crackers.

The thing that really sucks is I went into the day saying "I'm not going to binge today, not today." And on Tuesday was my therapy appointment, so that's always where I start my week, as far as ED behaviors go.  And my deal was, (in my head mind you) I can b/p no more then 2 times this week. And well, one day later and two b/p episodes, I have used up my self appointed quota and now I have to go 6 days w/o engaging.
 :S
I hope I can do it. But maybe this is what I need. I haven't gone a week w/o b/p-ing since March.

So today I weighed myself, and was horrified to see I was up 1.5 pounds. Gawd, if fucking up yesterday wasn't enough, now I was paying for it the next day. Well foodwise was much better. I ate well and I actually jogged 4 miles. That's the longest I've gone in a while. I'm going to have to wait and see if I managed to undo my damage from yesterday. The jacked up part is, I'm still at the low end of my safe range, pound-wise, and yet, now this number is unacceptable 

I need a snuggle



Except IRL, with a real person.

I have weighed myself yesterday and today and both times I was

It makes me feel so much less anxious.
I hate how much hold the scale still has on me. I just get so much relief when I'm even lower then my safe numbers.

I'll probably be back up in a week though :S

I got kittens!

:)

Obama '08 y'all!

I had been doing well with not b/p-ing and doing some light exercise each day. I was on day three (not much, I know) and I decided to weigh myself. I was . That is like my freakout number. I have a safe range , that's ok. And anything below that is just an added bonus, but I stay in the twenties to keep my loved ones happy. Well this weight gain totally fucked me up. I was axpecting loss. Not b/p-ing + exercise = loss, at least I thought so. I was even sticking to my meal plan, or eating a little less.

So that was yesterday and so for the past 24 hours I have been so triggered. I b/p 4 times. Then weighed myself this morning and was down a pound. Ah, I hate that I'm getting this instant gratification from something I know is so bad for me. I still want it so badly. But everyone around me needs me to be better. I am doing it for them.

So the rest of today I restricted and then went jogging.

bad girl.

I'm so fucking hot here in Sacramento.
I threw up today.
I'm tired.
GAH


What I kept down-

1. rice and bean low-fat burrito
   
2. Monster coffee drink
3. Garden burger patty
4. Steamed mixed veg (2 cups)
5. packet of sugar
6. Strawberry yogurt

TOTAL CALORIES- 950 (give or take a hundred absorbed from dinner that I purged)

1. Weight Control Oatmeal (1 packet)
2. Kashi Go-lean cereal (1 cup)
3. Mixed froxen berries (2 cups)
4. Lentil soup (2 cups)
5. Peas (1 can)
6. Fiber-protein bar

    TOTAL CALORIES-1,040

I have been in this horrible rut. So today marks the day that I will start to try to fight my urges again. I used to be kind of good at it. I was getting stronger at getting better and powering through my urges to binge and purge. Lately, more like for the past month and a half, I have just been saying fuck fighting and I have been binging and purging daily. I'm sick of it, I don't want that to be my life. So today I need to come up with a plan. The best thing to do is to make structure in my day. So now I will come up with a list of things to do today to keep me busy.

1. Fold jeans (they have been clean and sitting in a laundry basket for the past 24 hours)
2. Fold or hang up the rest of the clothes (that's even worse, they have been clean since Friday, but I have been too depressed/lethargic, and caught up in my bulimia,which took up all of my time, to put them away.)
3. Wash my sheets and pillow cases (the state they are in is disgustingly riddled with stains, because I do 90% of my binging in my room, sitting on my bed, and I end up spilling)
4. Take a shower (believe me, I need one)
5. Go for a walk to Starbucks and get an iced coffee.
6. Read my Philosophy book for my quiz tomorrow.
7. finish cleaning my room and vacuum.
8. Do my house-mate jobs; clean the counters, clean the mirror, clean the shower (eeeew)
9. Go to the grocery store to buy healthy food, ABSOLUTELY NO BUYING BING FOOD THIS WEEK!
10. Make my bed.
11. Organize my binder and school papers.

Well it's already 12 now, so I better get cracking on my list.
I know I can make through this day without ED behaviors.