What About Bob- Er, I Mean Lauren?

Writer's Block: Self-Indulgent

Thu, 26 Feb 2009 00:44:37 GMT

If you had to give up one indulgence for 40 days, what would it be?

Bulimia (but ideally I'd be giving that up for life)

Update

Wed, 19 Nov 2008 17:06:43 GMT

I broke up with my therapist. That guy was such a tool. Now I don't want a therapist anymore. I want to have a full blown relapse. I'm back to restriction during the day. Purging meals, and b/p-ing at night. Oh and I've turned to natural laxatives, milk of magnesia, prune juice, lax tea. Oh so fun *eye roll*

BUT I am dating this gorgeous, tall, blondie. So, that makes me happy :)

And school sucks as usual.

OH and I cut off all my hair... I'll post pics later.

I need to journal more.

Tue, 30 Sep 2008 09:04:22 GMT

According to my therapist I need to journal more. He thinks I don't talk about enough various things during our sessions. I told him it's because the issues I want to bring up escape my mind at the moment we are finally talk. (we meet once a week, if that.) So here I am.

Tonight I talked about my latest issue in the purgatorium http://community.livejournal.com/purgatorium/10992484.html. But I really don't think I would ever have the guts to bring that experience up in my hour meet-up. We don't talk about bulimic behaviors that often. I don't think he has ever asked me how much I do it, which about once a day during the week, and maybe three times a day on the weekends. We always just talk about my other issues, which seems to mainly be feelings about school/social anxiety.

Ok, so what else to talk about.
Well tonight I was told by my closest guy friend, (who is also the guy I was romantic with all summer ), that we would be talking later tonight, through AIM or emails. Then the even comes and goes, and no word from him at all. It's not that he should have any feeling of bligation about keeping a true to his word to talk to me. We are no longer in an exclusive relationship. It's just that tonight I was feeling lonely and triggered, and I could really use a friend who understands me. He is the one person who know pretty much everything about me, even my darkest secrets that make me very ashamed. And he still likes me regardless of any flaw I have. He sees the good in me, all the things I can't see, and makes me feel better.

You're fuckin' hot.
Physically, I'm more attracted to you than I have been to anyone else, by a lot.
I think you're absolutely gorgeous.
And you can't give me this crap about, oh, you haven't seen me in person yet, blah blah blah :P Cause I have.
Your pictures don't do you justice.
You're everything I expected, and more.
:)

And I'll also add that you're an amazing person.
You're smart, and kind and considerate towards me.
All you do is make me happy.
You're just incredible; being with you is all I want.

*Deep sigh*
That is the sort of "pep-talk" I could have used tonight.

brain swelling

Sat, 13 Sep 2008 06:34:38 GMT

Whilst I am having an amazingly pathetic Friday night watching youtube videos of the british show Supersize v Superskinny (justadustyrose has every episode), I started pondering how much I wish would journal more. Ideally I would make an entry everyday, but I would fail miserably at that. So today is my jump start.

How sad is it that my day off from school has consisted of 5 binge sessions, with therapy somewhere in between, trip to hell for more binge food, purging and lots of television and internet zombieness. I feel like such a sad excuse as a human being. No friends calling. No one. But, I'm not really all that lonely. I'm just numb.

My life is a complete mess right now. I am in a chaotic swell of procrastination. My room looks like a missile hit it. I must do something to organize it! It's driving me insane and it is just more more thing adding to my stress and unhealthy lifestyle.

Therapy-
I really dislike my therapist. This guy just rubs me the wrong way. Rich, white, middle-aged ah idk, I can't describe him very well. Well he thinks I have ADD. I did the basic test for it and yea, all of the questions really were true to me. So now the next step is getting my ass in a psychiatrist's office, which seems bloody impossible. GRRRR

We shall see...

image issues

Wed, 20 Aug 2008 02:03:38 GMT

looking back on when I was oh so thin, it makes me sad. I want to go back.

Wed, 20 Aug 2008 01:49:42 GMT

I have been thinking about how shallow I come off on this journal. It makes me sick. This eating disorder shit.

My hands are too shaky right now. My head is a mess.

I wish I could just smile again.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT BALLS

Sat, 09 Aug 2008 11:54:22 GMT

While my boyfriend was here I ate. And Iat and I ate and I ate and I ate.
Fuuuuuuuck.
I put on massive love pounds.
I didn't even know it was possible to put on that much weight in a month.
grrrrrr.

HT- 5'7.5"
CW- 138
HW- 175
LW- 98
GW- 120

God this is making me so anxious. I can't sleep. I put on fifteen pounds in 4 weeks.

noted

Wed, 18 Jun 2008 05:12:05 GMT

122 pounds

I need a snuggle

Except IRL, with a real person.

Mon, 16 Jun 2008 15:13:13 GMT

I have weighed myself yesterday and today and both times I was

123

It makes me feel so much less anxious.
I hate how much hold the scale still has on me. I just get so much relief when I'm even lower then my safe numbers.

I'll probably be back up in a week though :S

I tend to be sarcastic

Mon, 16 Jun 2008 06:29:39 GMT

Have you ever sat down to think about why you like the person you like/love?
It's hard to think when you're always stoned on heroine.

When people say "I don't ever talk crap about anyone" do you believe it?

I only hang out with people who make fun of everyone.

Is there someone you'd like to hang out with and just talk about stuff?
You mean the stuff before sex?

Do you think a lot of people think bad things about you?

It keeps me up at night. Oh noez, I hope nobody hates me :(

Do you think you're approachable?
It would seem so. Just because I smile at people they automatically think it means I want them to attempt to pick me up.

Do you regret doing anything this week?

Going quail hunting with Dick Chaney.

Name something you wouldn’t want to buy used?

Condom for a guy, tampon for a girl.

How late did you stay up last night?
I don't have a clock in my room. Uh... yea...

Who did you last talk to for longer than 10 minutes on the phone?

I get straight to the point. I like to keep my convos under 2 minutes.

Would you ever become a vegetarian?
I try

Do you like your school?
I like to go postal.

Last person you went to the movies with?

My mom. And I got to second base ;p

How often do you talk on the phone?
Every night I get to talk to live singles in my area for only 2.99 per minute.

If you need a new pair of jeans, what store do you go to first?
AE

Did you ever lose a best friend?
A lot of people were lost in hurricane Katrina.
'Course, she ODed on cat piss, and that has nothing to do with fire.

Have you ever met a real life prostitute?
Well it's hard to avoid coworkers

Can you do push-ups?
20! :D

What are you listening to?
JEWS!

Who is your 3rd, 6th, 9th incoming calls from?
:/

What is your favorite thing to have on your bed?
rubber sheets :S

Last time you went in a tanning bed?

I plead the 5th

What do you wear to bed?
The sweat of Jake Gyllenhaal

Do you tend to make relationships complicated?
I tend to make them go away. Oh avoidance, works every time! *thumbs up*

What were you doing last night at 1AM?
Fantasizing and touching myself.

Do you have a friend that you hate every other day?
no

Do you like anyone?

not really

If the person you are into asked you to be their bf/gf, what would you do?
Piss on them. Claiming my territory.

If the mob was after you, what would you do?
Show them my tits

Do you still talk to the person you fell hardest for?
Yes, even though the court order says I'm not supposed to.

Why did you stop liking the last person you liked?
Who's that?

What are you listening to?
hmm, flashback to 13 questions ago.

Name a quote from the song you are listening to?
Just picture jews talking

What are you doing right now?
Holding my pee while I finish this.

Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth?
I guess the pharmaceutical company would like to know that I don't really have Glaucoma.

What was the first thing you did when you woke up today?
laced up my kicks and went jogging :D

Happy

Sun, 15 Jun 2008 22:27:06 GMT

I got kittens!

Tilly

and

Kennedy

I loved this video

Fri, 13 Jun 2008 18:41:46 GMT

Obama '08 y'all!

sucks

Fri, 13 Jun 2008 04:37:49 GMT

I had been doing well with not b/p-ing and doing some light exercise each day. I was on day three (not much, I know) and I decided to weigh myself. I was

126 pounds

. That is like my freakout number. I have a safe range

123-125

, that's ok. And anything below that is just an added bonus, but I stay in the twenties to keep my loved ones happy. Well this weight gain totally fucked me up. I was axpecting loss. Not b/p-ing + exercise = loss, at least I thought so. I was even sticking to my meal plan, or eating a little less.

So that was yesterday and so for the past 24 hours I have been so triggered. I b/p 4 times. Then weighed myself this morning and was down a pound. Ah, I hate that I'm getting this instant gratification from something I know is so bad for me. I still want it so badly. But everyone around me needs me to be better. I am doing it for them.

So the rest of today I restricted and then went jogging.

bad girl.

bored survey

Sat, 07 Jun 2008 05:08:46 GMT

Spell your name without the letter E:
no

When you're at home alone, do you still close the door when you shower?
If I lived alone, I'd never close it. But since I live with my parents, I'm afraid they might come home and catch me in my nudeyness

Do you like your life right now?
I could use a little change

What was the last item you bought?
Dawn of the Dead(2004) on dvd

Are you in a relationship?
I'm in relation to everything around me

What are you thinking about right now?
My tummy

What time did you go to bed last night?
I passed out in a drunken haze. Time, as well as many other things, have been blacked out.

What are you currently doing?
Self loathing to it's fullest.

What did you do today?
Soaked up the sun.
Made fun of Indian folk.
Ate my body weight in mexican food.

Do you hate anyone?
I might not have any interest in certain people, but I don't hate anyone.

Who sits behind you in math?
It's summer, dumbass

What are you listening to?
Wolfmother

Who does it remind you of?
Stefanie, because she is my momma wolf.
ps. If you are reading this, I miss your sweet ass and I want to have picnic day part 2 soon. We can play with your light Sabers.

What was the last movie you watched?
In Her Shoes or something.
I wasn't really paying attention. I watched it for like 20 minutes and then fell asleep.

What CD is in your stereo?
I have a five cd changer as well as my car stereo. I can't recall all of them. 6 is too many, it hurts my brain.

What did you do last night?
Chit-chat with my favorite person for a few hours.
Realized that maybe I do hate Tila Tequila

Do you like your music loud or at a reasonable level?
Loud and proud, just like teh gays

Are you a beach or a snowy mountain person?
Norcal beach bum.

What are you doing later?
hopefully I'll get to talk to gawd.
Are you there gawd? It's me Margret. Oh wait, I mean Lauren.

Do you get distracted easily?
If I say yes will you give me Adderal?

What was your childhood nickname?
Lobo
or Lauren the Bee
or Lo-lo
or (to my grandma) spoiled brat and Fattymogie

What would you change about your life?
Identity theft sounds cool

Can you keep a secret?
probably not.

What was the best day of your life?
The day Paris Hilton dies in some retarded socialite way will be the best day of my life.

Have you ever played Twister?
I want some Twizzlers.

Have you ever been tipsy at school?
Not during school hours.

Last thing received in the mail?
Voting crap and a cell phone.

Have you ever kissed someone whose name begins with a T?
I don't ask names.

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
A sexual devient

Whose the first "J" in your phone?
I haven't put any names in it yet. I don't know if I will. I'm kind of sick of people.

Who was the last person you hugged?
Hugging gives you Syphilis

Who's the last person you argued with?
I argued with myself, the tormenting voice in my head.

the heat.

Tue, 29 Apr 2008 05:35:33 GMT

I'm so fucking hot here in Sacramento.
I threw up today.
I'm tired.
GAH

What I kept down-

rice and bean low-fat burrito
Monster coffee drink
Garden burger patty
Steamed mixed veg (2 cups)
packet of sugar
Strawberry yogurt

TOTAL CALORIES- 950 (give or take a hundred absorbed from dinner that I purged)

Food

Mon, 28 Apr 2008 01:16:09 GMT

Weight Control Oatmeal (1 packet)
Kashi Go-lean cereal (1 cup)
Mixed froxen berries (2 cups)
Lentil soup (2 cups)
Peas (1 can)
Fiber-protein bar

TOTAL CALORIES-1,040

My plan

Sun, 27 Apr 2008 19:21:02 GMT

I have been in this horrible rut. So today marks the day that I will start to try to fight my urges again. I used to be kind of good at it. I was getting stronger at getting better and powering through my urges to binge and purge. Lately, more like for the past month and a half, I have just been saying fuck fighting and I have been binging and purging daily. I'm sick of it, I don't want that to be my life. So today I need to come up with a plan. The best thing to do is to make structure in my day. So now I will come up with a list of things to do today to keep me busy.

Fold jeans (they have been clean and sitting in a laundry basket for the past 24 hours)
Fold or hang up the rest of the clothes (that's even worse, they have been clean since Friday, but I have been too depressed/lethargic, and caught up in my bulimia,which took up all of my time, to put them away.)
Wash my sheets and pillow cases (the state they are in is disgustingly riddled with stains, because I do 90% of my binging in my room, sitting on my bed, and I end up spilling)
Take a shower (believe me, I need one)
Go for a walk to Starbucks and get an iced coffee.
Read my Philosophy book for my quiz tomorrow.
finish cleaning my room and vacuum.
Do my house-mate jobs; clean the counters, clean the mirror, clean the shower (eeeew)
Go to the grocery store to buy healthy food, ABSOLUTELY NO BUYING BING FOOD THIS WEEK!
Make my bed.
Organize my binder and school papers.

Well it's already 12 now, so I better get cracking on my list.
I know I can make through this day without ED behaviors.

Oh my MIA -bulimia

Sun, 27 Apr 2008 04:55:56 GMT

I haven't kept after what I have eaten these past 2 days because I have been in a horrible cycle of bulimia. Binging and purging, a lot, for those of you who aren't familiar.
I don't feel like writing down my binges, because they are just crazy. I should start just uploading pictures of my receipts. For now I'll just tell you that in the past 48 hours I have spent about 50 dollars on binge food and I went to Food Savers-grocery and Taco Bell.
It's been pretty bad and I want to break the cycle.
Also, it's fucking hot in my room, it's only April 26 and it got up to 90 degrees today. UGH.

I wanna get drunk

I'm sick of it all.
This weekend sucked.

The Biginning.

Fri, 25 Apr 2008 02:52:22 GMT

I have no idea why I actually decided to sign up for this. It's mainly because my head has been very conflicted lately. I wanted to start writing down everything I eat. I have a feeling I eat way too much. But I don't even know anymore. My thoughts have been only on my body. My thoughts have been all disordered. I hope I don't come off as an idiot, but who cares I guess. I doubt people will actually want to read this. I just need to get some things out so I can process it.

I weighed myself today. I usually weigh myself completely naked, but I was in jeans and a T-shirt. According to my grand scale I am 125. That's kind of a limbo number for me. I always seem to hover around it. I guess that's a good thing. Sometimes I wish I was back to being as thin as I was before treatment though. But those are very selfish thoughts. I have come so far since then. I have learned a lot about myself. Why am I stil so messed up?

Ok, back to the point of this, I need to see how much I have eaten today. I don't know if this will end up being very good for me.
Peach Oatmeal (1 package)
Kashi Go-Lean cereal (1 cup)
large apple
whole wheat pita
Garden Burger
green salad
sesame ginger dressing (2 TB)
So far that is around 700 calories.

See, I think this was good for me. I was thinking I had eaten so so much already today. I mean it's 7 at night, I've only had 700 calories, and I have scared myself into thinking I have been a glutton all day. I always feel like a glutton. I think I must be messed up for always feeling hungry. Well, I am hungry. But, it's ok to eat, right?

I wanted to see how many calories I need to be eating in a day.
http://www.calorie-count.com/calories/calories-goal.php
That website figured I should be eating 1900 to maintain my weight at my height.

I am not sure how I am coming off right now. It's not really me. I'm a silly, dorky girl, who knows how to use her intelligence. But this is all my eating disorder talking. I'm trying to fight it. But some times I just give in and let it do all of the talking for me. Hopefully my true self will come out every now and then in these posts.

I'm watching Cider House Rules right now.